Past Mistakes
by sophie.rai21
Summary: Andy didn't know how she got here. Everyone made mistakes, but this just seemed more than that.


Hi everyone! This idea has been on my head for a few days now. Finally decide to stop the procrastination and pen down my idea. This is a one shot fic. Yes, I'm still working on Accidentally In Love. For those of you who have not heard of this, please fell free to check it out. And, Rookie Blue is being renewed for it's 4th season! :D

As always, have a nice day! :)

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Mistakes. A wrong action attributable to bad judgment or ignorance or inattention. You try so hard to fix things and then you end feeling tired, exhausted. You figure that you should have learn from them or avoided or in way, thought about the consequences. You make one and then another, it grows on you. They used to say that failure makes a person stronger. Well, I didn't feel any of it. All I could feel was weakness. I failed, not as a person but in other ways. I failed as a friend, a wife and most importantly as a mother to my unborn child.

I know I should have said something, and I know that he should have too. "Things with Sam and I are complicated." I remember telling that to my best friend, Tracy. And I also remember saying yes to a complicated-normal relationship with Sam. Sam was it. That I knew very well. He was a constant, like the moon that never fails to come out at night and the sun in the morning. He was the cream to my oreo. The cream everyone liked and could never live without. Of course, as always, mistakes came along the way.

I wish I knew how it happened. How we both managed to build walls and in between those walls were spaces. Spaces that were void and empty that were only abled to be filled by our friends. Our friends did everything, that was the problem. They acted like a cover up between me and Sam. I never liked time and space but I didn't realise that was exactly what I gave Sam. I kept telling myself that I should have told him about this and that. I should have told him why my mother suddenly decided to leave.

My mom's name was Claire. Claire McNally. _Claire. _When she left my life I knew at that moment I didn't need her. I didn't need someone who made a choice to run. But then when I saw her that day. I was answering a disturbance call and she was there. My mom. The person. The reason for everything. The reason for my bitterness, the reason I was Luke. That was 2 years ago. When we finally had the time to talk things over, I panicked. Things I memorised as a kid that I would tell her when I saw her. But I froze, nothing came out from me. You know why? Because deep down I loved her. I really did. I loved her so much that I hurt equally as much.

She stayed a little while after that. She was there when Sam proposed and when I got married. I remember getting all the wedding arrangements with her. She did my hair on my wedding day and she said goodbye to me when we left for our honeymoon. If only. If only I knew why she did all that she did. If only goodbye's were just words. Words without meanings. But it wasn't. My mom left me after my wedding. After building all those hopes and dreams in to castles. That was my mom. She was fond of that. TIll today, I still didn't figure it out. Why did she leave? Was I not good enough? Did she not care about me or my dad? The worst part was, I never got to give her my speech.

In that sense, I was happy I had Sam. He was always there, even when I pushed him away. I saw my mother again. I was 5 months pregnant and my baby bump was just starting to grow on me. Things were good with me and Sam. We were happy, content. I was at the grocery store and I dropped something on the floor. It's funny how you remember all the smallest insignificant things but fail to remember the important ones. Being pregnant meant that anything below my tummy was out of my reach. That's when she came. "You dropped something there honey." , that's what she said. When she finally looked up at me, I knew it. I knew the feeling of anger and frustration. But I also knew the love I had for her. That's what my heart beat pump faster. The fact that she left me and my dad twice and felt no remorse of any sort and the fact that I was willing to cover up for her all the time made me sick. Sick of myself.

She was just as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She asked me how I was but I just stood there looking at her. I didn't know what to do so I just left. She didn't bother stopping me, she just let me leave. As I was loading the groceries in to my car, I thought to myself. I thought of the many times she failed me. I wasn't going to let that happen to my child. So, I went back in and I saw her. This time, it wasn't about her. It was about me.

"Hey Andy-"

"Don't. Just Don't. You hurt me. You hurt everyone. If you wanted to leave, you should have left with you baggage. You left us all to deal with your baggage, your insecurities. I keep wishing you'd someday be the mother I always needed. But you will never be that and I have to pinch myself each time, thinking you've change. But you know what? You're too late. 20 years too late. I hate that I kept thinking about you, thinking about how I much I loved you as a mother. But you never cared, that's what hurt me the most. You never have and probably never will."

I walked away after that, leaving her no words to fight back. I was tired. Tired of her excuses. As I was walking I heard her call my name, but I didn't look back. I didn't let her get the best of me like she always did. I never told anyone about that. Not even Sam. And I hurt him even more than anybody else. But we both had secrets. He had Sarah and I had Claire. A week after the encounter, that's when all of our secrets came out. Tracy, Jerry, Oliver and Zoe were over at our place for a barbecue. There wasn't a special occasion of any sorts. It was just a little get together. We had all finished our dinner and we were sitting down and talking.

"_Bro, thanks for having me and Barber over here."_

"_No problem man. The pleasure's always ours."_

"_Oh by the way Sammy, Sarah wants to know how you're doing."_

_Of course it didn't occur to me then why did Jerry ask something like that. They weren't living far from each other or something._

"_Tell her I'm good bro. Never been better."_

_He looked at me and kissed my forehead. Maybe Sarah just missed Sam._

"_She wants to know when she can come over."_

"_Jerry, she knows and you know very well that it's not safe for her right now. She's got to wait."_

_Wait? What's going on_

"_What do you mean she's got to wait? Sam, why can't she come over?"_

_Right then everyone was quiet at the worst time ever. Sam just looked at me and had his mouth wide open and eyebrows raised, in shock. That's what happened with friends. They were sometimes like vacuum. That meant that if you fall, you'd fall hard all together at once. After that, one by one they started to leave. Leaving me and Sam behind. The minute the last guest left I got up from the couch I was sitting on and made my way to our bedroom. Sam followed soon afterwards._

"_Andy, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sarah. I just didn't want you to worry. You have so much going on now."_

_Sarah was on a Witness Protection Program. It wasn't necessary but Sam felt that it'd be good for her to forget all about the case. She was a witness to a bank robbery._

"_So much going on? Just cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm crazy. I had to find out from Jerry. Jerry! Even Jerry knew bout it. Heck, everyone knew about it except me!"_

"_Well I had to find out from Tracy about your mother!"_

_I vaguely told Tracy bout my mother. I needed to get things off my chest so I told Tracy after some time. But, even then she didn't know much about it. I was careful in that sense. I wasn't looking for some pity or even sympathy about what hd happened. I just needed to get it off my chest. Know I what a terrible mistake that was._

"_That's right. I had to hear about your encounter with your mom from Tracy. Tracy! Your best friend. Sometimes I don't even know who I am to you. Am I just Sam to you or Sam, your husband? Cause I'd really like to know Andy!"_

_The thing about me is that I'd always had everything to say. But when it mattered I'm always clueless. I hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. He tried so much to hold it in, but like everyone else, he too had feelings. I neglected it. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I feared that just maybe we'd end up like that. Maybe I didn't want to give him an excuse when and if our marriage didn't work. That wasn't fair, at all. It wan't fair to our marriage and to ourselves._

"_I need some space. I'll go and stay in a motel tonight."_

"_What? You hate space Andy! You're not going anywhere, were dealing with our problems now."_

"_Well, I can't. I need time to think about somethings."_

"_You can do it her and now. I'll wait."_

"_Stop being stubborn Sam! You and I both knew this was coming all along. We both need the space so I'll go and stay in a motel."_

"_Andy, we made a mistake. That's what we did. We didn't commit a crime. We can fix this okay?"_

_I knew he was trying his level best. I knew this because I could see that there was a pool of water forming in his eyes._

"_Sam, we need it. It's not for long, I promise."_

"_Okay, fine. But I'll go. You can stay here. I don't want to worry about you."_

"_Sam... I'm fi-"_

"_Please Andy. Just do me this favor."_

"_Okay."_

That night as I was lying down. I realised something. I almost left today. I almost left and ran away, just like my mother. I never forgave my mom for what she did. Will my child be able to forgive me if I left? All my life I spent telling myself that I would never be like her. I'd never do that. Even if times were getting bad. I let my pride get the better of me. My mother's pride destroyed my family, my dad and most importantly myself. I watched as my father almost drank himself to death because of my mother. Her selfish act cause hurt for everyone. The I thought about how selfish I was. I wasn't thinking. We both made promises to each other on our wedding day for better, for worse. This was definitely_._

So I left. Left to find my husband, Sam. Sam had written down the name of the motel he was going to be staying in case of any emergency. I took my car keys and headed towards the door. So here I was, in my car, thinking how selfish I was. We all made mistakes, the important thing was to learn from them. It didn't matter if you continuously made them. It mattered that you realised it soon enough before it could cause anymore harm that it was already doing.

When I reached there, for the first time in my whole entire life, I didn't plan what I was gonna do when I was there or what I was going to say. I didn't need a speech to tell Sam how much I love him and how much I need him in my life. I need him more than ever, especially during our disagreements. I knocked on his door to find him answer me with a smile on his face. His smile then changed into worry.

"Andy, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?"

He just took me in his embrace. This man, after all that's happened between us, he took me in his embrace.

"I'm fine Sam. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure."

Once I was in, his presence in way felt awkward_. _It was like we were total strangers. It didn't feel right.

"Can I get you anything? Water? You look a littel-"

"Sam, I'm sorry."

"Andy, It's-"

"No it's not. My mother left me and my dad. I promised myself I would never be her or follow any of her ways. But today when I wanted to leave, that was me being exactly like her. Leaving would've meant that I'd leave with all the baggage. I hated my mother for that. I can't do that. I won't ever do that. You know why? Because I love you. I love you with all my heart. I want us to work through this complicating relationship. I want us to be 'us' and not 'you' and 'me'. Please come home."

"Andy, I'm sorry. I should have told you bout my sister. I guess I was just really in a mess. I didn't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel responsible for what's happening to her. It's hard being strong when all you wanna do is break down. Andy, I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts just thinking about how much I hurt you."

"We don't ever have to do that ever again. I promise."

"Come here. It's only been a few hours but I miss you already."

We stayed in that motel that night in each other's embrace. We made a lot mistakes. People in our life made a lot of mistakes. That didn't matter because this is us. Not them. I know now what I didn't know back then. Mistakes don't define us. It's how we handle them that makes a difference.

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Let me know what you think about it! :)


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